for terik,

i love you. 

im sorry i always forgot how to pronounce your name. it took me a few months to finally remember. i've never been good at that. i should probably figure it out though because im planning on becoming a teacher...

beautiful things

horrible things

unfamiliar things 

things only each layer knows of 

i don't know your story,

and don't act like you know mine,

because you walk in nikes,

and i walk in converse,

and she walks in nurses, and therapists, and doctors,

and he may not be dead,

but he isn't anything near living.

so don't be fooled by chapped lips and dry skin.


because below sea-level


means drowning


and it takes one layer

to make it look like you're not.

probably two of the worst things 

someone handed me a clipboard and told me to make a pie chart of my life 

so i did. 

20% piano lessons

30% school

50% done

he laughed then tore the paper in half 

he said to try again 

he said to use emotions 

so i started with a circle 

it wasn't perfect and that bothered me 

and it bothered me that it bothered me 

i can't wrap my head around perfection or a lot of things 

but maybe i shouldn't be too worried about it 

because wrapping your head around something is probably impossible and if you could then..... wow you must have a flexible head 

so if perfection is unattainable 

so if wrapping curious minds around unknown concepts is 100% impractical 

why continue to try 

this is for your typical misfit

every drama geek

all those chess freak

for the ones who ate lunch at the trophy case

but more so for the misfit who never fit as missing

who fit but missed out on everything

the one by the knight because

maybe

that's where her friends are

we all don't fit

and we all aren't fit

and we're all throwing fits cause we don't 

we all missed first, and we'll all sluff fourth, and i could think of 1,000 plus chances who didn't make it past second

we would be shocked to know how many people at this school are up to their knees in their families depression, and up their neck in their own

i know, it's "senior year" and we can't help now cuz, it's all over

but you know, that guy in green eggs and ham didn't ever try something new till the very last page,

and it changed everything.

why can't we change everything.

god gave us enough battles we could handle till here
for some it's the neck
or the knees
or the ankles

but however high the blood and salt water,

it's bound to kill us all

we're bound to kill us all

so why not drown in these torn-dirty-wet-blankets together



let's drown in friday night dances and 100% attendance

let's buy fancy black dresses and tuxs to match, and if you can't pay, don't worry, i think i have something you could borrow

let's tell the sophomores they're good enough

and the juniors they're strong enough

because we all know the pain from the beginning

is so far from the pain of the end

let's enroll our kids in writing classes and our kid's kids in writing classes then let's read their journals to find out high school, was so high, it could never be ranked something 4.0

so please,

just try them,

sam i am,

here

or there

or anywhere

in a box

with a fox

with a mouse

in a house



the place,




or the time,




never mattered.

yesterday i told my dad i was scared about the reveal

he said, "well i'll still love you."

he said, "whether you're you, or cornelia, i'll still love you just the same."

and i hope you do too.

it's time we moved back to munich, or london, or dublin,

or wherever it was you came from

it's time we got back to our biology

and to our chemistry

and to sunday nights that involved a lot more reruns than dim computer screens

but paris is only miles away

and just because your skin is a little thinner

a little lighter

doesn't mean you can't be seen

so buy a ticket for the overnight train back where you belong

don't come for the roses,

or for the tower,

or for any kind of heaven sent pastry

because this is so much more than just some beautiful city painted on the back side of any postcard.

this is home.

and if you need me,

how red always has and always will be my favorite color
and how few people know that


i remember the first time my dad cried
and the first time my mom didn't

i remember red cheeks
and bad eye contact
 and enough respect to deserve no goodbye

i remember my first love
and the ones that came after
and how i knew they never would

and i remember you

dark eyes
gluten free personality
the drink you always brought to english
and that boy you chased for years

i remember you

big nose
curly blonde hair
another rubik's cube fanatic
whose morning bowl of cereal
was far less important than the one you skated in

and of course,

i remember you

sweet lips
star wars junkie
everything logical heartbreaker
and you were good at it



i remember the restless nights

and the reckless nights

and the nights i could've sworn i was sailing the moon

and the rest of you.



because how could i forget?