im lost for words

but i'll do my best to find a few:


this thanksgiving im mostly thankful for friends and my dog

im thankful for my dog, and hidden keys, and basketball games that make your palms sweat

and i already regret not going to enough basketball games

but "it's just high school"

they say

"so shoot for the stars"

they say

"shoot for the stars if you want the moon."





but please, hunny,

i

for                                    
                                                something


never


today in english we were asked to write about our "philosophy of life"

mine was to be grateful

im not sure if it really is, but if i tell myself enough times that it is, i think it will be

so here it goes:

to number 1: thanks for taking my phone. a lot. i like it when you say "goodnight kiddo."  right now that's about all i can think of, sorry.

to number 2: thanks for never saying happy birthday. sorry i still call you. it doesn't mean anything. your voice is just familiar. and sometimes feels like home.

to number 3: thanks for the 10th grade heartbreak. even though nothing happened. and i don't remember anything about US history. take me back, i could point out exactly where you used to sit

to number 4: thanks for changing how i see things. sorry i'm always tardy. i would tell you i'll work on it, but i probably won't. and i'm pretty sure you get this a lot, but top 3 heroes: my grandma, my mother, and you.

to number 5: thanks for doing my homework. and being my second mom. you're going to be the best mom. i wish i was as smart as you. then we could room together in college or something.

to number 6: thanks for the shoulder. sorry i stained it. hopefully it'll come out in the wash. (not everything does though, i've tried) sorry i was mean to you in elementary school. well, behind your back anyways.

to number 7: thanks for the butterflies, i guess. my favorite night was when you showed me your music and drew on my hand. the night we talked for hours before we even knew we got ditched. just know, that for me, i could think of a million things less painful than silence

to number 8: thanks for the soup. maybe i appreciated it so much because it doesn't come often. i hope you notice i still say i love you every time i leave for school. because i do.

and to number 9: thanks for every blue eye (of course). and sorry for all the times i've let you down. too many to count, i know. but i heard you could "name every grain of sand" so i dunno, maybe you can. sorry i promised you i wouldn't swear. sorry i promised you i wouldn't cry. and sorry i'm mean to my mom. just help me love her.



because number 9,

i promise.

i do.




and i'll keep reminding her in hopes that maybe,

someday,



she'll be strong enough to say it back.